Wednesday, May 24, 2006

feeling terrible

Sitting here. At home. Alone. Starting to feel like it's ok to write "as usual" even thou I guess it isn't.

I thought of something right now, that I thought I had to write here. I think I've finally figured out what bothers me about Chris. Chris is TOO great. Too good, too wonderful, too sweet. I don't know, it just feels like Chris is such a wonderful person, but I think Chris is also thinking that Chris has to be so fucking marvelous all the time and do everything and take care of everyone, so Chris never has time for h**self. And at the same time, that makes me feel so fucking bad to realise, 'cause I realise that the reason I started to think of it is that I felt Chris didn't have time for me. I'm sitting here at home feeling terrible and don't feel I've got anyone to call, because I don't think Chris would appreciate me calling at all. See what I mean? I feel terrible, and I feel worse becaouse I can't call Chris, and yet worse because I'm thinking of calling Chris. good? Probably not...

Everything has suddenly become so hard. There's nothing at home to eat if I don't put a lot of effort into making some kind of itneresting food (and there's honestly not much that's interesting either), the bathroom's a mess so I can't take a shower sithout cleaning it up, all the glasses are dirty so I can't have a glass of water without doing something about it. Fuck, the toilet's broke so I can't even pee without putting some kind of effort into it - and the effort NEVER, NEVER! answers to the result!

I don't know how long I can handle things around here. School's just slipping out of my hands no matter how much I try, 'cause I just can't put enough effort into it to get it finished. there's not a single think that's not supposed to be done or almost done by now. I've got work to do that's waited half a term, and I haven't even started. But what do I do? Watch another season of "Charmed".

That's actually the hardest thing right now. To be totally aware that everything bad that happens to you is your own fault, but there's nothing you can do to make it stop 'cause you can't even figure out where to start or what to do.

I think I'm just gonna keep crying.


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