Feeling terrible
I feel terrible. And I don't even know why.
Comfort eating - the soruce of all evil, it seems. Todays dinner: one bag of sourcream and onion crisps, one bag of nacho cheese ballz. Result: stomach ache, guilt, distaste of myself.
It's the night before christmas, and it feels like everyone else is happy. Chris is of to visit shims family, and even though we hear from eachother from time to time I've got the feeling I wouldn't hear a word if I didn't make up reasons to ask questions. TV is full of silly, stupid christmas shows, and most of the daily blogs and other sites I visit talk about nothing else.
So, why canät I be happy it's christmas? I just feel I've got nothing to look forward to. Sitting in the car with my stupid, idiotic family for two hours, and I know dad will have tons of excuses to blaim me of things, tell me I'm not doing the right things with my life and so forth. Mom will be nice, in that way that someone can be nice without ever giving you the feeling you like the person being nice to you, and my little brother will just be - my little brother. Then there's the rest of them, grandma' and grandpaä, my aunt and uncle and their kids. They're just such a sad bunch of people every single one of them, and I can't think of anything we've got incommon. I would never choose to even talk to any of them unless there was that silly bloodsband between us. Relatives suck.
And that just makes it worse... Knowing everyone else is having a great time, while I just have to think of not showing that I'm incredible bored, and hurt by their way to use my old name and call me girly, childish names.
So, what do I do to feel better? Not a fucking thing. Tried earlier, went christmas shopping for mom and dad (my brother and I went to see Eragon, that crappy movie, instead of buying gifts) and spend some money on myself, buying a gorgeus shirt from the boys department of H&M. That good feeling lasted for about... five minutes. Then came the anxciety of spending money when I didn't get more then 5500 this month instead fo the usual 7200, and that deep feeling of knowing noone will think I look good in that either. Then I went home, sat down on the couch doing nothing but watch some stupid TV shows, bougt the crisps and cheese ballz, and felt worse then ever. And of course, being me, I try solving the problem of anxciety over comfort eating loads of fat unhealthy stuff with comfort smoking. Great, huh?
Haven't done anything of the stuff I should have done lately either. That's so typical me, avoiding things I might even enjoy doing because I prefer watching TV, or even because I know it makes me feel bad. Haven't read a page of the things I've got to read for school, haven't filmed the last movie for the sign language course even though I know that might make me fail the course, haven't handed out the advertisements. This is just fucking sick.
Like usual, I don't even know what made me feel bad from the beggining. Something, maybe being lonely, maybe something else, brings me down that road and I just play along, deliberately thinking of stuff that I know make me feel bad and doing stuff I know makes me feel bad. So I guess it's my own fault I feel like this. Which doesn't release the feeling of guilt at all.
Comfort eating - the soruce of all evil, it seems. Todays dinner: one bag of sourcream and onion crisps, one bag of nacho cheese ballz. Result: stomach ache, guilt, distaste of myself.
It's the night before christmas, and it feels like everyone else is happy. Chris is of to visit shims family, and even though we hear from eachother from time to time I've got the feeling I wouldn't hear a word if I didn't make up reasons to ask questions. TV is full of silly, stupid christmas shows, and most of the daily blogs and other sites I visit talk about nothing else.
So, why canät I be happy it's christmas? I just feel I've got nothing to look forward to. Sitting in the car with my stupid, idiotic family for two hours, and I know dad will have tons of excuses to blaim me of things, tell me I'm not doing the right things with my life and so forth. Mom will be nice, in that way that someone can be nice without ever giving you the feeling you like the person being nice to you, and my little brother will just be - my little brother. Then there's the rest of them, grandma' and grandpaä, my aunt and uncle and their kids. They're just such a sad bunch of people every single one of them, and I can't think of anything we've got incommon. I would never choose to even talk to any of them unless there was that silly bloodsband between us. Relatives suck.
And that just makes it worse... Knowing everyone else is having a great time, while I just have to think of not showing that I'm incredible bored, and hurt by their way to use my old name and call me girly, childish names.
So, what do I do to feel better? Not a fucking thing. Tried earlier, went christmas shopping for mom and dad (my brother and I went to see Eragon, that crappy movie, instead of buying gifts) and spend some money on myself, buying a gorgeus shirt from the boys department of H&M. That good feeling lasted for about... five minutes. Then came the anxciety of spending money when I didn't get more then 5500 this month instead fo the usual 7200, and that deep feeling of knowing noone will think I look good in that either. Then I went home, sat down on the couch doing nothing but watch some stupid TV shows, bougt the crisps and cheese ballz, and felt worse then ever. And of course, being me, I try solving the problem of anxciety over comfort eating loads of fat unhealthy stuff with comfort smoking. Great, huh?
Haven't done anything of the stuff I should have done lately either. That's so typical me, avoiding things I might even enjoy doing because I prefer watching TV, or even because I know it makes me feel bad. Haven't read a page of the things I've got to read for school, haven't filmed the last movie for the sign language course even though I know that might make me fail the course, haven't handed out the advertisements. This is just fucking sick.
Like usual, I don't even know what made me feel bad from the beggining. Something, maybe being lonely, maybe something else, brings me down that road and I just play along, deliberately thinking of stuff that I know make me feel bad and doing stuff I know makes me feel bad. So I guess it's my own fault I feel like this. Which doesn't release the feeling of guilt at all.
posted by comicon at 18:15
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home