Illegal blogging?

These are the most dangerous numbers to post right now:

09-f9-11-02-9d-74-e3-5b-d8-41-56-c5-63-56-88-c0


If you don't know why, try to google the Streisand-effect and read this article in Sydsvenskan (swedish).

Studying

Right now I'm sitting at Anna's place (some girl from school) studying. With us are also some woman from my class who, honestly, would do better sitting at some supermarket or whatever. I don't like her. At all.

But I do like Anna! Except that she's nice and goodlooking, she happens to be very good at swedish grammar and very helpful when I can't get anything right. Test on tuesday. GAH! I'm stressed and filled with anxiety. But, what the heck, I'm probably never gonna get anywhere in life no matter how I study. Fells like I don't have to give a damn...

Oral presentations today was great though, as usual I got the best grade. But then again, talking and spreading bullshit is the only fucking thing I've always done good at.




More then anything, I miss Aino. Just want you to know I love you...

A little bit of queer

Sometimes you stumble across something queer in an enviroment where you never suspected it. Such things always makes me happy, and today I got really really glad. I'm watching "Beck - Monstret" ("Beck - the Monster") which is a swedish movie, a part of a series of movies about the criminal investigator called Beck and his group of polices, solving crimes. Kind of nice movies I think, and perfect for making the time move a little bit faster an ordinary friday afternoon.

This Beck guy's got a pretty strange neighbour who often asks Beck to have a drink with him. Just a few minutes ago, he called Beck out to the balcony to offer him a drink in his apartment. Then, just out of nowhere, he asks Beck if he often comes across transvestites at work. When Beck answers no and wonders why the neighbour asked, the neighbour says that he's a bit interested of that, "wearing a bra and so on". Beck then ways "Well, try it" but then the neighbour says "No, no no... But maybe a little handbag..." After a bit of discussion he adds that a scarf might be nice.

It's those little pieces of queer, scattered around in the ordinary society, that makes me so happy. It feels so good to know that even Beck's neighbour might be a transvestite, that thoughts about gender and sexuality pops up in everyones mind once in a while, no matter if they're otherwise connected to our little queer society or not. That means that it's not we who are strange and has made some strange stuff up, it shows that it's actually the society that's strange for denying people their right to do whatever they want, feel whatever thay want and think whatever they want.

That makes me happy.

Maybe we'll get a chance to see the neighbour in a scarf, carrying a little handbag in a future movie? I sure hope so.

If this made my day, that would make my year.

Visit by the student corps

Today we had another swedish lesson in school, wich was sonderful. But the first thing that happend was that a guy form the student corps of Malmö (Studentkåren i Malmö) wanted to talk to us about election someone (elect? we don't even know each others names!) to be our representative at some meetings during the term. I wasn't really interested, 'cause even though I am a member (there's a law for two more years saying you have to be) I don't think it seems that fun, and I've got other things to do. But anyway, some "girl" (or someone who looked like a girl) raised her hand and said she could do it.

Then the guy suddenly wanted to persons, "a boy AND a girl", and looked intensely at the few biologicaly born guys that was present in the classroom. About then I felt the heteronormativity hitting me in the stomach with an iron-gloved fist. What if I wanted to be that guy? I didn't, but if I did I would never have raised my hand in that moment. To have twenty five persons that you don't know look at you like you were from outer space, and hearing that guy say "well, I rather wanted a boy, but..." would just feel terrible. And what if someone in that room doesn't define themselves as either a man or a woman? If I, who are pretty used to always explaining myself and my trassexualism, didn't have the guts to raise my arm and take the discussion in front of the entire class, what happens with people who are in the process of coming out, or is just realizing who they are?

I hate the heteronormativity. I actually though of throwing myself into some strange, rather high position in the corps just to make them realize what they do to people, but then my teacher started his otherwise lovely lesson with "well then, boys and girls..." and I had to face reality.

I live in a queer bubble, and noone outside will ever understand. Some can be invited, some will invite themselves and some can be forced to an understanding, but on the whole they will never break free of their normes.

(Someone, chear me up 'cause I need it real bad right now)

Fun! (to me, that is)

Yesterday, me and Chris moved all the furniture in the livingroom around to make it a much more comfortable and big place. I love it! We've purchased two sitting cushions, wich are great, and a new piece of furniture for the TV and DVD, VHS etc. I had to put it together, or well... I actually volonteered, and it was kind of fun. Right now, Simon and Chris is trying to fit all the different stuff into the new TV cupboard. I'm sitting in the sofa, watching, and it's really a lot of fun...

Simon keeps asking questions about how we used to put all the stuff together, and Chris keeps saying "What!? But... but... Does that mean I only need this one? But, I used to have like looaaads of cables in this one!" Appearantly, some of these cables was completely useless becauyse they actually did the same thing, or something. I don't know, there's a reason I'm sitting in the sof watching instead of trying to help.

Now Simon has started to sit quiet for minutes a time, mumbling thing wich just sound like combinations of letters to me. And then he keeps saying stuff like "Well, I don't know how we're supposed to do this, but I'll figure it out." He's also started to draw schemes of it. Can it be that hard to connect a few different things?

Just so you know it, Chris just named the black cable white, and told us all the yellow signal is carried by a red cable at the back of the TV...

Well, I'm going of to do some warpdrive surfing and then I'll probably try to help, or maybe not. Anyway, I'm of.

And soon they will try to program the video... :)

Fun! (to me, that is)

Yesterday, me and Chris moved all the furniture in the livingroom around to make it a much more comfortable and big place. I love it! We've purchased two sitting cushions, wich are great, and a new piece of furniture for the TV and DVD, VHS etc. I had to put it together, or well... I actually volonteered, and it was kind of fun. Right now, Simon and Chris is trying to fit all the different stuff into the new TV cupboard. I'm sitting in the sofa, watching, and it's really a lot of fun...

Simon keeps asking questions about how we used to put all the stuff together, and Chris keeps saying "What!? But... but... Does that mean I only need this one? But, I used to have like looaaads of cables in this one!" Appearantly, some of these cables was completely useless becauyse they actually did the same thing, or something. I don't know, there's a reason I'm sitting in the sof watching instead of trying to help.

Now Simon has started to sit quiet for minutes a time, mumbling thing wich just sound like combinations of letters to me. And then he keeps saying stuff like "Well, I don't know how we're supposed to do this, but I'll figure it out." He's also started to draw schemes of it. Can it be that hard to connect a few different things?

Just so you know it, Chris just named the black cable white, and told us all the yellow signal is carried by a red cable at the back of the TV...

Well, I'm going of to do some warpdrive surfing and then I'll probably try to help, or maybe not. Anyway, I'm of.

And soon they will try to program the video... :)

Feeling terrible

I feel terrible. And I don't even know why.

Comfort eating - the soruce of all evil, it seems. Todays dinner: one bag of sourcream and onion crisps, one bag of nacho cheese ballz. Result: stomach ache, guilt, distaste of myself.

It's the night before christmas, and it feels like everyone else is happy. Chris is of to visit shims family, and even though we hear from eachother from time to time I've got the feeling I wouldn't hear a word if I didn't make up reasons to ask questions. TV is full of silly, stupid christmas shows, and most of the daily blogs and other sites I visit talk about nothing else.

So, why canät I be happy it's christmas? I just feel I've got nothing to look forward to. Sitting in the car with my stupid, idiotic family for two hours, and I know dad will have tons of excuses to blaim me of things, tell me I'm not doing the right things with my life and so forth. Mom will be nice, in that way that someone can be nice without ever giving you the feeling you like the person being nice to you, and my little brother will just be - my little brother. Then there's the rest of them, grandma' and grandpaä, my aunt and uncle and their kids. They're just such a sad bunch of people every single one of them, and I can't think of anything we've got incommon. I would never choose to even talk to any of them unless there was that silly bloodsband between us. Relatives suck.

And that just makes it worse... Knowing everyone else is having a great time, while I just have to think of not showing that I'm incredible bored, and hurt by their way to use my old name and call me girly, childish names.

So, what do I do to feel better? Not a fucking thing. Tried earlier, went christmas shopping for mom and dad (my brother and I went to see Eragon, that crappy movie, instead of buying gifts) and spend some money on myself, buying a gorgeus shirt from the boys department of H&M. That good feeling lasted for about... five minutes. Then came the anxciety of spending money when I didn't get more then 5500 this month instead fo the usual 7200, and that deep feeling of knowing noone will think I look good in that either. Then I went home, sat down on the couch doing nothing but watch some stupid TV shows, bougt the crisps and cheese ballz, and felt worse then ever. And of course, being me, I try solving the problem of anxciety over comfort eating loads of fat unhealthy stuff with comfort smoking. Great, huh?

Haven't done anything of the stuff I should have done lately either. That's so typical me, avoiding things I might even enjoy doing because I prefer watching TV, or even because I know it makes me feel bad. Haven't read a page of the things I've got to read for school, haven't filmed the last movie for the sign language course even though I know that might make me fail the course, haven't handed out the advertisements. This is just fucking sick.

Like usual, I don't even know what made me feel bad from the beggining. Something, maybe being lonely, maybe something else, brings me down that road and I just play along, deliberately thinking of stuff that I know make me feel bad and doing stuff I know makes me feel bad. So I guess it's my own fault I feel like this. Which doesn't release the feeling of guilt at all.