Sydsvenskan yesterday

Spent last evening at Sydsvenskan (a swedish newspaper that is mostly read down here in Skåne). Was one one of the first time electors to be interviewed for an article about young persons and politics. The reason was the upcoming election and some opinion poll about first time electors and their view on politics. It was actually kind of interesting, we took some (mostly kind of silly) pictures and answered questions. Also, I made a few new friends - or at least one, we exchanged msn's and stuff. She was so cute...

All of the questions were interesting, but a few of them made me think a lot. One of them was if we should allow sixteen-year-olds to vote, not just eighteen-year-olds as today. I honestly don't know what I think. I mean, it's good when youths are allowed to be a part of the society and have influence on their own situation, nut at the same time I'm not sure that voting is the best way to do that. Loads of sixteen-year-olds are not mature enough to vote. But then again, there are thirty-year-olds who are not mature at all, and who has the right to judge what is mature, and what is mature enough? Such a hard question...

Another one of the questions were why girls seems to be more left wing-oriented, and boys more right wing-oriented. The journalist asked me that wuestion, and I had no idea what to answer. I just came up with an idea, and shared it with her: boys are raised in a more independent way, and so they vote for the more individually centered parties. Another thought is that the left wing party/parties has a more feministic analyse and are more critical på the patriarchy, witch is stuff that's good for girls. I actually don't know, but I think it's pretty interesting to think about.

Another question was "What is the biggest injustice?" I answered with three: the society of social klasses, the patruarchy and the heteronormativity...

feeling terrible

Sitting here. At home. Alone. Starting to feel like it's ok to write "as usual" even thou I guess it isn't.

I thought of something right now, that I thought I had to write here. I think I've finally figured out what bothers me about Chris. Chris is TOO great. Too good, too wonderful, too sweet. I don't know, it just feels like Chris is such a wonderful person, but I think Chris is also thinking that Chris has to be so fucking marvelous all the time and do everything and take care of everyone, so Chris never has time for h**self. And at the same time, that makes me feel so fucking bad to realise, 'cause I realise that the reason I started to think of it is that I felt Chris didn't have time for me. I'm sitting here at home feeling terrible and don't feel I've got anyone to call, because I don't think Chris would appreciate me calling at all. See what I mean? I feel terrible, and I feel worse becaouse I can't call Chris, and yet worse because I'm thinking of calling Chris. good? Probably not...

Everything has suddenly become so hard. There's nothing at home to eat if I don't put a lot of effort into making some kind of itneresting food (and there's honestly not much that's interesting either), the bathroom's a mess so I can't take a shower sithout cleaning it up, all the glasses are dirty so I can't have a glass of water without doing something about it. Fuck, the toilet's broke so I can't even pee without putting some kind of effort into it - and the effort NEVER, NEVER! answers to the result!

I don't know how long I can handle things around here. School's just slipping out of my hands no matter how much I try, 'cause I just can't put enough effort into it to get it finished. there's not a single think that's not supposed to be done or almost done by now. I've got work to do that's waited half a term, and I haven't even started. But what do I do? Watch another season of "Charmed".

That's actually the hardest thing right now. To be totally aware that everything bad that happens to you is your own fault, but there's nothing you can do to make it stop 'cause you can't even figure out where to start or what to do.

I think I'm just gonna keep crying.

Relationships 'n stuff

Spent the weekend in Örebro (way up north) at a conference for district chair persons in RFSL Ungdom. A lot of fun, actually, thou it may not aound that way. We learned a lot, and of course it was fun to get to know some new people. Also felt great that Andreas (vice president) offered to help out in all matters regarding everything that has been a problem at school (the things I don't wanna write, you know).

At the train home, there was this really pretty girl, and she was sitting just a couple of seats from me. Not only on the first train, but also when we had switched train, and my friends was kind of bugging me 'cause I said I wasn't gonna do anything about it. Well, I thought I had to challenge myself to do something I normally wouldn't do. I actually wrote a note and passed it to her when she was passing my seat... It said "You're pretty. Feel free to contact me..." and my e-mail address. So far no mails, but that's probably just as good.

My big issue is Jenny. I'm not sure what I want... I mean, I like her a lot. And I think I'd like it to be something more then just a none existing relationship. But then againg, I still feel strange being free to do all those single thing - like passing pretty girls notes or flirt with someone on the internet. Will Jenny be fine with that? I mean, I've always seen myself as mono, and that would mean I'm not really in love with Jenny if I keep thinking about other people. Or I'm poly, but I'm not sure what Jenny would think of that sort of relationship. Facts are that she's not sure she wants any kind of relationship either. Understatement: at least not with a man. I've kind of understood that she's been really hurt by men before, and has big problems letting go. Well, thats the price I have to pay for not being a girl...

Maybe this is just anotherone of those things that is just created by the heteronormativity. I mean, why do you have to define your relationships to everybody? I've never talked to my old friends about being friends with them. I've never discussed my relationship with Chris with Chris. So why do I feel like me and Jenny have to define us and have loads of deep disussions about what we want in our relationship, just because I have a different kind of feelings for her? Chris uses to say that the difference between a very good friend and someone you're in love with is that you are sexually attracted to someone you're in love with, but not your friends.

It could be true. I'd definately like to have sex with Jenny...

Why I've not been blogging

I feel I have to explain myself, and why I've not been blogging the last few days. The reason is that something's happened in school. Something that has made me feel very bad about school, my class and especially some guys in my class. A part of this is texts that's been published on the internet, and therefore I don't want to write anything about it until this whole mess is over, if even then. I just don't think I would be able to write a text that would not be comparishable to the ones I've seen, and since I think it's not acceptable to publish such texts I won't write a similar one, of course.

If you are one of my friends reading this, and you wonder a bit about what's happening and how I'm doing, don't be afraid to send me a mail or call me. I might not answwer it all since I am tired of it and feel terrible thinking of it, but I'll be more grateful then you will ever know that you took the time and made the effort to call me, e-mail me or just say "Hi! How are you holding up?" next time we meet.

Today

I am so tired. I'm so tired every second word I write is in swedish and I have to delete it and translate it, witch is a very sow and ineffective way to do things. Especially since I bet I won't make it correct anyway.

School today was interesting, at the psychology class we did an excercise where you have to mark your opinion about certain sentences the techers read out loud by either sitting still or switch chair. I got caught in some kind of philosophic dilemma. The sentence was "Every group has a leader", and I agreed. But then I was caught by an interesting thaught. Yes, every group has it's leader. But is it because there actually have to be a leader, or is it because we expect there to be a leader and therefore create one? Interesting...

The lesson in religions was not as fun. We've now finished buddhism, and sometimes it seems like I'm the only atheist in my class. Not only do I think Iäm the only atheist, but I also seem to be the only one that doesnät get caught up in every religion we learn about. Some of the people in my class seriously thinks about becoming buddhists. Great, absolutely, if that's what they want - but last week several of them were half way to a convertion into hinduism...

After school I realized I had to make a quick visit at my parents, mostly to get my shorts (summer is here, I swear!) and my torches (for blowing fire - typical thing to do in the summer). My look into the kitchen resulted in nothing for once, usually I can find some food to bring home with me. Since I moved out it seems like they doesn't eat anything but meat, fish and milk or egg based products. Fucking unbelievable.

My little brother was home from school again - he's been skipping school a lot this term, and no one seems to know why. The worst thing is that I know that he doesn't feel good, and I haven't done anything about it. At least today we agreed to play some hours at GP as soon as I can find the time.

Well at home I made the booklet that I'm going to give my teacher in creative writing tomorrow, as my project in that class. I'm actually very proud, I've worked my ass off for it and it turned out great! Hard to make cpoies of thou, and that's sad 'couse I'd like to have one of my own, and to be able to give them to friends and stuff. But I guess I'll just have to makes copies by hand - this one only took me about four hours or so...

The evening then - a play at Intiman here in Malmö. It sucked. Sorry to have to say it, but it really did. The plot wasn't good enough, the lines were fun at times but mostly a bt to long and unconnected to each other so that it was hard to follow, and the characters were probalby very deep - but you never got to know them. Don't pay a penny to see "The Career" in Malmö, and if you get it for free like I did make sure you have the time - it can be used for something better.

Well, this headache I always get when I haven't been sleeping enough has strook, and even if I feel less tired now since I've been writing for a while that usually means I'm supposed to go to sleep. Chris is watching some war movie about the heroic americans in Japan during WW2, with Nicolas Cage in it. Maybe that's the true reason for my headache, No matter what, I'm going to sleep.

Sweet dreams!

Yesterday

I never had the time to post this yesterday, so I'll do that now instead:

I'm writing this at my spanish lesson, so I'll have to post it later on. I've got quite a headache, and my teather's talking about how to say "have to" and "I am hungry/scared/and so on"... I just don't get it. I mean, it's not that hard and I'm not that bad with languages, but I just don't get it. It won't stay in my head, it flyes in through one ear and out through the other. I hope it's just sixty minutes today and not eighty. The room is hot, I've got the sun shining straight into my eyes and the air is bad. She (my teacher that is) won't even move the curtains unless I can ask her to do it in spanish. I don't even want to try. And now we get a new text. I still don't understand the old one.

Chris is sending me instant messages to my mobile phone about meetings and stuff. Even in school I've got to work for RFSL Ungdom! (RFSL Ungdom = The Swedish Youth Federation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Rights) It's fun and all, but sometimes I feel like it owns my entire life. Not even my lesson time is free, and today when it was this weeks late morning we had a meeting before school as well. Why? Because we sure as hell are booked with other meetings and urgent stuff to do all afternoon, evening and probably most of the night.

I've got so much to do I can't get anyghing done. You know what I mean? Even if I work the enitre evening Iäve got so much left to do it doesn't even feel like it's worth a try. And everytime I've finished something they give me more homework or papers, or another responsibility at RFSL Ungdom. At RFSL Ungdom at least I can say no and make my own choises, but in school...

I have to get some aspirin or something for this headache, it's killing me!

Sweet dreams!

I've had quite a nice evening. Came home from the office a bit later then I's hoped for, but Sebbe had made dinner - noodles and some kind of vegetable tomato sauce with pineapples and potato in it - and it was great! Chris also arrived, and we had a nice family dinner in front of the TV watching our latest rental movie from Box Man. It's an anime called "Ghost in the Shell" and it was awesome! You have to see it!

After the movie we felt like doing something fun, so we played a bit of spontaneus role playing games. Chris was the game master, and me and Sebbe played some newbies in Vampire. Kind of fun, a bit frightening at times but very inspiering. I just have to play more vampire, with more worked through characters and a longer campaign. I don't know where I'm supposed to find the time for it - all the time I save for RPGs it reserved for my own campaign in Eon - but I suppose that will be solved. At least that's one plan for the summer. Better then nothing...

Sweet dreams!

My hands hurt

I've just been crawling on the floor for more than an hour, trying to scrub of the paint from yesterdays banderol painting. Now, I've got naphtha all over my hands, and even if it isn't corroding it hurts like hell when you get it in open wounds. Just so you know...

Right now I'm just so tired I could throw up. Everythig has to be done and nothing is done if I don't do it. Or, ok, Chris and Leo and some other people get things done as well, Chris probably more then me, but it sure feels like I'm the only one doing things. Probably just because I'm such a self centered little bastard.

Todays joke: There were two tomatoes crossing a road. One of the tomatoes got run over by a car, and then the other tomatoe said "Come on, ketchup, let's go!"

A few different things

Today I'll separate my post into a few different areas, since I've got loads of stuff I want to share with you all.

SMOKING
The first and most important one is smoking. I used to smoke. A lot. And I don't anymore. Doesn't sound that bad, does it? Well, I didn't quit smoking until last wednesday, so I spend most time of the day thinking about cigarettes right now. And the nights as well - can you imagine dreaming of cigarettes every single night? I use plasters to help me out, but even the strongest ones (15 mg) only help that far. And then you're on your own, trying to fight this damned desire.

CHRIS
Chris is home again. That's nice. I like Chris, a lot, and I've been missing Chris. Right now Chris is in the bedroom watching some anime at Darin (Chris' computer) and everything's back to normal. I like that, to know that someone will be there when I get home from school, yelling "Hello!" when I come through the door. To know that someone cares enough to call me if the person won't be home one day. It really means a lot, those small things...

THE FUTURE
I can always write a couple of lines about the future... Today at the lesson in religion, we spoke a lot about graduating and if we were going to eat lunch together that last day and when we're supposed to have our pictures taken and when they kick us out. It's so interesting, most of my class seems really excited and can't wait until the summer starts, so they can do as much as possible during the holiday. They are the ones who have something planned after that holiday. I don't. Or, well, I've signed up for two classes at Malmö Högskola, (sign language and heteronormativity and homophobia) for next term, but I honestly don't think I'll make it. Not with my grades right now, they're not as good as they should be. Not even close.

THE LAST FEW DAYS
The last few days, wich means this weekend or so, I've had a few interesting experiences that relate to the name of my blog - after all, it's about my adventures in the world of heteronomativity. For example, when I was waiting for the bus this saturday afternoon, on my way to have a bbq party in the park with my friends, an older man approached me. He asked a few questions about the bus' time table, and then told me he'd just been in Sweden for a year. I was impressed of his swedish and told him that, and he seemed to take that as some sort of invitation. He kept walking around me, so that no matter what direction I turned to he'd always be face to face with me, just a little bit to close for me to feel comfortable. He also kept asking for my name, even thou I'd already told him, and mutterd to himself (in swedish!) that my name way a boy's name and that he must have heard me wrong. I didn't feel like explaining, so I just went on the bus after he did and chose a seat as far from him as possible, putting my bag and stuff at the other seat so that he couldn't move to sit with me.

Later on, when we were at the park, I was stunned with how many times people can say the wrong pronoun without stopping, even if they've been corrected. I mean, I told those guys I hadn't met before (friends of Jenny) what I'm called and I corrected then at least four times for using the worng pronoun - she instead of he - but they just wouldn't get it.

These aren't big things, you know. Not even enough to get me upset. But they say something about my daily adventures in the world of the heteronormativity. It's never easy, it's never natural and whenever I walk outside our apartment, I'm always supposed to be ready to hold an information pass about transgenderism.

Desperate...

I've been asking for a job at Netto. Almost, at least, I didn't have my CV saved at this computer so I suppose I'll have to do it againg when I get to school tomorrow. Netto! I never thought I'd sink this low...

I guess this is just another sign that I'm way of about the future. The nineth of June I'll be stranded with no income and no future, the day after my graduation my life's fucked. It's as simple as that. I've even thought of "beeing sick" or make sure I'll not pass al my courses, so that I can go to school another year. Anything but this...

It feels like flying in three hundred kilometres per hour with your head first towards a fucking big concrete wall. If i don't do something drastic very soon my head aand that wall will meet in something that can only end with the wall standing still, with the contents of my brain smashed all over it. I really do hate this.

Anxiety!

Goodmorning, world!

I've always thought of blogging as something pretty geeky. But since I've never said I wasn't a geek, there was no reason for me not to start. Was there?

Honestly, I do this mostly for fun. The seriousness that is necessary for a lot of people just isn't here. At least not much of it. It could be fun haning around here anyway, so feel free, but don't expect too much.

Right now I'd just like to learn how this system works. I've always been the type who likes to write the code myself instead of writing it in these customized forms, but since I (and here comes the big confession!) only know how to do html, it won't work that well here. Hopefully there will be funnier posts about my daily adventures in the world of heteronormativity later on. See ya!